The Truth About Being 200+ lbs: Why My Shyness Isn’t "Cute" Anymore
Disclaimer: Sharing stories about my life doesn’t mean I’m wallowing in misery! I’m slowly finding my way so I am fine. I talk about my life now because I finally have a voice and I’m in a safe place to use it. I had no voice for a long time.
I want to talk about something scary: how much your looks actually dictate how society treats you. Especially if you’re a quiet person like me.
Since I gained weight, people assume the worst about me. It’s wild. My tone in texts used to be seen as funny and positive, but now? People read them as negative. I literally have to tell people I’m joking now, or their bias will cause drama. This never used to be a problem. I’m a calm person. I don’t act rude. Being rude isn't in my nature.
Yet, my appearance changed, and suddenly people’s perceptions changed too.
The Naive Version of Me
In the past, I never believed people when they said appearance matters. I was so naive. I thought as long as you were kind and smiled, everything would be okay. I’m not saying everyone is cruel now (since that would be dishonest), but people give me way less grace when I mess up. My personality, shyness, mistakes when speaking, clumsiness etc were cute in the past, but it’s not cute now that I am 200+ pounds. Suddenly there is less benefit of the doubt extended to me. Whiplash anyone?
I was so used to kindness from strangers. People used to give me free stuff all the time, gifts, rides, candy, free coffee at cafes. Doors were always held open for me. All the electronics I own? I never paid for them but they were handed to me. I was given my Xbox, Chromebook and people also were quick to help me when I needed it in the past. I may be shy, but I think my pretty privilege made people want to take care of me before I gained weight. I am not bragging, but I want you to really see the difference. Now? People barely hold the door open for me. It slams in my face more often than not.
I used to feel "invisible" sometimes back then, but looking back, that was just my insecurity talking. People actually paid attention to me and enjoyed my company. I barely spoke and if I did I struggled a lot with my words, but I still wasn’t as invisible like I thought I was. Things weren’t perfect, but I was treated better by society then.
Now, I really am ignored. If I’m struggling or if I fall (because I’m clumsy and also disabled lol), people just walk right on by. In the past, someone would have helped me within seconds. I realize that if I want an easier life as a disabled woman, I must have a slim body. This isn’t my main “why” but it’s one of them. If there is an emergency and I really need help, I want to raise my chances of being seen and heard which means I must fit society’a beauty standards like I have in the past.
This is a controversial take and requires nuance tbh. However, I feel like people who have similar experiences or those who are into very into academia (social studies/psychology/sociology) research papers will instantly understand what I am talking about. There are studies out there showing how the world treats people when they are obese. I am not saying this is a hard topic, just that I will understand if people scratch their heads in confusion at first. I did too in the past before my weight gain (and college since I chose psychology as a major), educated me on these things. Also my life was far from perfect when I was slim, I was just treated better by strangers for the most part. No matter what you weigh, you're beautiful. So, I don’t want to make anyone question their self worth just because of my desire to lose weight. This is personal to me. One downside of weight loss is that I need to mentally prepare myself for visibility in public. I am not looking forward to being visible to men again. I always hated when guys flirted with me.
My "Well-Deserved" Karma
I learned a really tough lesson about my own ignorance and privilege. When people used to open up to me about this, I told them it would be okay and to "just smile more." I feel so embarrassed thinking about how I acted. I was privileged and treated well by strangers, so I thought it was just so easy. Just do this, just do that. Simple!
The ignorance... I feel like this is my karma. I’m experiencing exactly what they went through, and I should have been more open-minded when they were hurting.
I’m Still the Same Girl
I am the same person, but the way I’m perceived is night and day. People see my body and see a "negative" person until they actually take the time to look past it. My personality hasn't changed. I still love volunteering. I still smile at people, even though I’m met with disgust sometimes. In the past, people usually smiled back. Now? Not so much.
I’ve even lost friends after gaining weight. People just couldn’t be bothered anymore. It’s weird, right? That a few pounds can make a person decide you aren't worth their time?
The Science of the "Horn Effect"
If you think I’m overreacting, I encourage you to look at the actual research haha. I’m a nerd, so I have read countless academic journals about this. If you want to be more supportive when someone opens up to you, look up these terms:
1. Pretty Privilege
2. Weight Stigma
3. The Halo Effect (assuming "pretty" people are good/smart)
4. The Horn Effect (the opposite…assuming someone is "bad" based on one trait like weight for example)
You can even check the "Lose It" community on Reddit or watch social experiments on YouTube. The stories are everywhere. People who struggle with these things aren’t overreacting or faking their sadness. I do believe people are inherently good, we just have biases.
I think it’s so important to understand this so I am speaking up about this. I am bringing some awareness to this situation. I don't want anyone else to be as ignorant as I used to be. I’m the same Celestia I’ve always been, I’m just living in a body that the world treats differently now.
